Relational Security: 3 Ways to Choose Value in a Culture of Need
Have you ever wondered why singleness in the church is such a sensitive topic?
Scripture speaks clearly both on marriage and singleness. Throughout Jesus’ ministry (as a single man), He taught many parables on the roles of the bridegroom and bride, and He even referred to it as a symbol when demonstrating His love for the Church. So, how do we navigate singleness in light of God’s word when the expectation of marriage is so prevalent today?
For many of us, marriage is not our calling, and with that sometimes comes shame, discouragement, and a feeling of being forgotten by a loving God. Can I encourage you? You are not any less in the Kingdom of God because of your singleness; in fact, you are much more than your relationship status.
As believers, we all are invited to be intentional in making sound decisions that value God, ourselves, and others. But how do we do that?
Love God, Ourselves, and Others
Matthew 22:37-39, NIV says, “Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
This passage’s meaning encompasses the golden rule: Love God above all else, and then through our love for Him, we can fully love ourselves and others.
Whether you're single or married, have kids or no children at all, or are an hourly employee or a CEO of a multimillion-dollar company, the most significant value you can bring to the world is to love God in a way that impacts how you see yourself and others.
What Do You Value?
Everyone values something, whether it be trust, intimacy, or wholeness.
But we also have needs.
We long to feel comforted and connected and like we aren't alone in this world. But unfortunately, sometimes, in our lives, our needs can undo the values that are most important to us.
For example, every single person holds a value in how they take care of their body. It could be a healthy meal plan, a workout routine, or simply lowering their intake of sweets. Yet, almost every one of us knows the feeling of being so hungry that you ravage whatever is in front of you just to satisfy the hunger you are experiencing.
This is a prime example of how easy it can be to make decisions that don’t align with the values we hold, all for the sake of feeling comforted. And if we can easily make decisions that fuel our earthly needs, how much more do we need to cling to our kingdom values?
3 Ways to Choose Value in Relationships
So, how can we intentionally choose values over our needs in our relationships? Let’s look at three choices we can make to honor God in any relationship status.
1. Choose Conviction Over Culture
Our lives are moving in the direction of our strongest thoughts, which are often those of our culture.
Voices that say, “This is what is normal.” or “This is how you should live your life.”
Jesus lived a life loving God with His entire being, and it overflowed to those around Him. Through His dependence on the Father, He was able to withstand the cultural norms of the day and side with conviction.
So, how do we stand firm in our values and convictions when cultural precepts are so loud? And what red flags should we look out for?
Here are a few cultures to be aware of that are causing confusion both in and outside the church.
Purity Culture
Purity culture was a Christian subculture in the 80s and 90s that emphasized individual purity and female chastity. It claimed that if you saved yourself for marriage, sexually, while living modestly, you would be rewarded by God within marriage.
This wasn’t just a movement that idolized marriage to the highest degree; it was also extremely damaging to women, pressuring them to live in such a modest way that if they didn’t, they would be guilty of making another man stumble into sin.
I gave my life to Jesus in high school. During that time, I remember attending a massive youth event with hundreds of other high school kids. Everything was going smoothly that night until one particular preacher condemned this event full of teenagers for a full hour. He said we were going to hell and expounded on everything our generation did wrong. But that wasn’t the worst of it.
He then moved to the topic of purity, specifically, sex before marriage, and then he did something I will never forget. He grabbed a water bottle, took a sip, and then backwashed into the bottle. Then, he held it up and asked, “Who would drink from this water bottle?” From every corner of that event space, hundreds of teenagers responded with a resounding no, and then I couldn’t believe my ears when he declared, “This is what it is like when you have sex before marriage.”
Let me be clear; in the eyes of God, you are not a dirty water bottle laced with spit. You are cherished and worth dying for so much that Jesus did it Himself. God truly values you above any other created thing, and regardless of your past, present, or future, He loves you without lack.
Hook Up Culture
On the opposite end of the purity spectrum is hook-up culture.
This culture accepts and encourages casual sex encounters without emotional intimacy or a committed relationship, including one-night stands and other related activities. This lifestyle is for people who want the romance without responsibility.
In today’s culture, many are involved in dating apps. (And let me be clear – I am pro-dating apps. I know many couples here at Liberty Church NYC with beautiful marriages and relationships that started with a DM.) However, a significant statistic of said users use them for the wrong purposes.
I believe it was so well-articulated in the Vanity Fair article, Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse, saying:
“New York guys, from our experience, they’re not really looking for girlfriends,” says the blonde named Reese. “They’re just looking for hit-it-and-quit-it on Tinder…. They start out with ‘Send me nudes,’” says Reese. “Or they say something like, ‘I’m looking for something quick within the next 10 or 20 minutes—are you available?’ ‘O.K., you’re a mile away; tell me your location.’ It’s straight efficiency.”
I acknowledge that not everyone has the same biblical idea regarding being in a relationship with another person. Still, even those mentioned in this article agree that this kind of culture doesn’t bring value into their lives. Sadly, this culture takes someone made in the image of God and turns them into something they ordered on Uber EATS.
There has to be something more than this, and Jesus says there is. You are accepted and pleasing to Him, not out of anything you do, but by simply being. He knows you and your worth, and it is more costly and beautiful than anything you can receive from another person.
Porn Culture
Porn culture is running rampant, influencing both purity and hook-up culture.
Statistics show that 7 out of 10 men and 3 out of 10 women actively watch porn.
It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or non-religious, married or unmarried; pornography consumption is at the highest it's ever been in recorded history. And shockingly, many are exposed to it beginning at the young age of 11 years old.
Billie Eilish said this in a recent interview:
“As a woman, I think porn is a disgrace. I used to watch a lot of porn, to be honest. I started watching porn when I was like 11. I think it really destroyed my brain, and I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much porn.”
Based on the above statistics, some people in the church are dealing with these issues as well. Many of you have tried to find freedom here, only to be disappointed that your strength didn’t prove enough.
But Jesus can and is willing to bring healing. In Him, there is no shame or disappointment. He loves you and wants to see you free from this.
Will you come to Him in your weariness and burden so that He can give you rest?
2. Choose to Refuse Being Defined by Distress
When we allow ourselves to be defined by our worst moments, we stop a story God has not finished writing.
Have you or are you currently defining your life based on a difficulty you are experiencing?
Maybe you are struggling with loneliness or disappointment over a circumstance. Perhaps someone you trusted treated you poorly, or you have committed an act against yourself or a friend. Or it could possibly have much more to do with an addiction you can’t seem to break.
Maybe it’s not a difficulty but positivity in your life that you define yourself by. I love being a pastor, but being a pastor does not define who I am. I enjoy being a husband and a dad, but those things don’t define who I am, either!
My definition comes from my Creator, and the same goes for you too.
We have been handcrafted with a specific purpose and identity. Regardless of what we are experiencing, good or bad, God's gifts and faith-building circumstances allow us to live out of all He has placed within us.
3. Choose to Step Out, Believing Things Will Turn Up
In college, I embarked on a season where I deconstructed my faith, which ultimately sabotaged my life. I remember acting like a fool, being involved in toxic dating relationships, and making a mess of everything around me.
During this time, a woman at my church named Miss Kim connected with me to share a series of dreams she had about me. She said:
“I would visit you as you were living in a house. You tried to make the house nice with a comfortable couch, a cool lamp, and a big TV, but it was obvious that the outside of the house was falling apart. The windows were crooked, the stairs were warped, and the doorway was broken. It was clear that the foundation of your house was crumbling.”
She said she continued to plead with me to leave the house, but my response was always the same. “Why would I leave? Look at how nice everything inside is!” Every time she had this dream, the same revelation would flood her spirit: if he didn’t get out of that house, he would be crushed by the destruction of it all!
Upon asking if the dreams resonated with me, I broke down because I knew exactly what it meant.
The next day, I broke up with my then-girlfriend, disconnected from friends and influences pushing me away from God, and began dating myself. I would take myself out to eat, go to the movies, and embark on long walks while listening to music. Carrying a journal and pen, I asked myself difficult questions that would reveal what was truly going on in my heart.
What are my values?
What do I want out of life?
Where do I really want to be?
In this season of life, I returned to the Lord and started serving and reconnecting with my local church, which changed my life.
Let me be clear; this isn’t about doing all the right things so that you will find a partner. It is about trusting God’s hand and will over your life so that you can love yourself and your neighbors out of His overflow.
Will you return to a perfect, intimate relationship with God so that His perfect love can flow to your heart and over those in your life? His love is perfect, and regardless of our marital status, we can find relational security in the One who knows us completely. And I pray that as you allow His love to wash over you, you will experience fullness in joy and purpose.
“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”
1 John 4:9-12, NIV
For more on how to value yourself and your relationships, check out Pastor Stephen Francis’ sermon, Relationship Goals: Relational Security.
